To Know You Is To Love You

As researchers who have devoted our careers to studying the first few years of marriage, we have focused on the phenomenon of compassionate love between spouses.

That is, we asked spouses whether they considered themselves and their partner to be good, worthy people, and we also asked them to rate themselves and their partners on numerous specific traits and abilities, such as intellectual ability, social skills, extraversion, and conscientiousness.

We care about compassionate love because we expect it to inspire positive behaviors toward others, behaviors like self-sacrifice, tolerance, charity, and support.

In specifying what compassionate love is, then, the challenge is to figure out how to reconcile these elements of selflessness and self-interest.

But first we will briefly explain why we think marriage is an especially relevant area in which to study compassionate love.

Spouses whose initial feelings of love were based on a relatively accurate understanding of the partners’ specific qualities began the marriage accepting their partners’ limitations.

First, spouses who believe their partners to be wonderful people overall may still hold a range of positive and negative beliefs about their partners’ specific qualities.

How can we inspire people to act in each other’s best interests?

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In fact, most spouses viewed their partners as better, more worthy people than even the partners viewed themselves to be.

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We just got married!” Furthermore, they tend to score high on every kind of love scale thrown at them.

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Wives who displayed a greater understanding of their husbands’ specific traits were rated as providing better support to their husbands in these interactions than were wives with less understanding of their husbands’ qualities.

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